I think we should take a vote.

My girlfriend and I were being silly while shopping the other day..NO! how odd! ;)
and we started pondering the whats and whatevers of GROUPS.
We have a goose that's plural geese
but a moose is not meese?
Goose male is Gander, moose male should be Mander
If you have a Gaggle of geese, do you get a Maggle of Meese?

and Mouse is Mice
but my neighborhood is not filled with Hice even though I live in a House.

Why are SOME things plural simply BECAUSE (fish, deer,grass)

some add and "s" (dogs, ardvarks, pianos)

and some still change the word entirely (foot=feet, fungus=fungi, knife=knives)

but my favorite...words that are plural for no apparent reason (pants, shorts)

So we have
a TEAM of Ox, but a SKULK of Fox
a herd of...Elephants, Whales or Deer
a flock of...Sheep or Birds (oh, except Swallows which are FLIGHT???wtf?)

After pondering this ridiculousness, it is a wonder our children ever figure it out.


My point is, I think we should have UNIVERSAL words for junk.
Besides, I don't want to have to press "1" for English anymore and I was thinking, perhaps if we made OUR language make a little more sense, the foriegners could figure it out a little quicker.
:D



If you ever wondered about some animals, here is a web address.
Didya know a group of Apes is called "shrewdness"?
http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0004725.html

don't get me started on male/female/young names...I mean COME ON some HAVE special names and some DON'T? huh? and WHY is a female Bear called a sow?
http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0872847.html

Have I become my grandfather?!?!

I don't consider myself a person who is prejudiced in any way (except against LAZY I suppose)-hmmm, maybe that explains it.

My ex husband just wrote that he is "embarrassed for" me.
He wants to know how I can be so racist.

Honestly, I don't have a problem with a BLACK president.

I have a problem with the fact that people voted for him simply because he was black.

*so please....tell me, AM I a racist? Will I now start using terms like "my black friends"?
egads.

Am I predjucided against people who take for granted this Country and its democracy until they think it will provide them with something?
yep.

Am I prejudiced against people who only think of themselves when faced with a large group issue?
yep.

Am I prejudiced against people who do the BARE MINIMUM yet expect the maximum return? yep.

But do I prejudice against anyone who thinks for themselves but who's opinions differ from mine?
no.
I believe any THOUGHT OUT opinion is of value.

Do I prejudice against someone whose beliefs are different from mine?
no.
As long as you HAVE something to believe in I think it is amazing.

Do I preudice against those who do not have as much as I have?
no.
I volunteer, I donate, I teach my child charity and love in hopes that she can understand there are times when we all need a helping hand.


So tell me.

Am I racist?

Am I now that old man who plays chess and talks about "darkies", uses words like "spic" or thinks oriental women are all sex slaves.

I don't think so.

I think I am just frusterated and disappointed in the people who abuse this land I love.

john jacob jingle Ansel Adams, his name is my name too.

Ah, the modern day "photographer".

It seems that everywhere you look these days, someone is touting themselves as a photographer.
I dare say you could not venture through ONE set of "myspace" friends without finding at least one person who fancies themself a picture picasso. *lower case on purpose*

I have looked at the pictures of these so called "professional" photographers and I believe perhaps Dorthea Lange would not be worried about her spot in the bread line, if you catch my drift.

What makes people thing that just because photography equipment is more readily accessible than ever before, they are able to stake claim to something previously considered ART?

Since when did getting a kid to smile in the center of a picture make you a professional photographer? When did snapping a pic with your digital whatever while some dog is shaking drool off its face qualify you as "having a knack" for photography?

My favorites though....have got to be the "fashion" photographers. You all know these guys. They get some 19 year old girls to sit on rocks, motorcycles, on the beach, or in a railway station posing in bikini or a short skirt and heels and they call themselves photographers.
Ugh.

Would someone please tell these ego maniacs that a snap shot does not a photographer make.
Criminy.
It is my firm belief that before you are allowed to BUY a camera you should have to sign a waiver that you have at least BEEN to a photography exhibit, or at the very least, are not going to attempt to pretend you are a photographer because your new camera has auto-focus and you are now able to take clear pictures.

Heck, even Anne Geddes, although best known for those goofy babies-as-other-stuff pictures, has some beautiful work SANS butterfly wings, cow costumes and flower petals.

When it comes down to memories...
I am all for the family pictures taken by Great Aunt Josephine with her thumb in the corner and the subjects of her sneak attack making a face or caught drinking out of the milk jug.

--and when it comes to professional photography....leave it to the artists, not the weekend Cannon warriors.


Please visit some REAL photography when you get a chance. There is a lot of beauty in the world, and the only way some of us may ever see it is through someone else's eye.

http://www.annegeddes.com/modules/anne/galleries/browse.aspx?pi_galleryid=3

http://www.davidgallery.net/Shows.cfm

http://www.photo-seminars.com/Fame/eugesmith.htm

http://www.artwolfe.com/cgi/shop/detail.cgi?r=DP894

http://www.muenchphotography.com/

http://www.johnshawphoto.com/favorites_gallery/index_fav.html

Did you say JEHOVAH?!?!

Recently several of my close friends have begun their spiritual journey.
Don't get me wrong...
I applaud anyone who is trying to better themselves.

That being said: I knew it would only be a matter of time before I was to hear the words
"you should come to our church with us!"

That time came today.
Followed by my next favorite phrase--
"It's okay that you are Jewish, it's NON-DENOMINATIONAL"

uh huh.

"THAT'S GREAT!" (says I)
"So is there a lot of Jesus worship there? You know, "in Jesus name, Amen-Jesus cleansed your sins-being saved through Jesus Christ" etc.?"

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah.

not so much for jews then.

Anyhoo, this leads me to ask you New Testiment-ers to help a Jewish sistah out.
I wanna know....

..What happened to God?


It seems these days there is very little mention of God in the Christian religions of late.
Jesus is the man it would seem.

I mean, I get the whole
"we believe Jesus was the son of God and died on the cross for our sins" bit-- I do.

But I wonder, is it like some sort of heavenly Sanford & Son-wherein the Father retires and the Son takes over?

I was always under the impression that God sent you guys (yeah YOU--we chosen people were already good to go) the old sandaled one to remind you that HE is the one true God, cleanse your sins for a fresh start, yada yada.

So how did the Big Guy end up being a holy benchwarmer?

Who took the God out of Christianity and why????????

Why have so many religions forsaken Him for the trendier "Jesus" model?

-JESUS 2000-
A savior for the new millenium! He walks, he talks, he turns water into wine!

Are you tired of being laughed at because you still hold on to the antiquated belief that being a good person, helping others and loving God is all you need?
Well look no further! JESUS 2000 is your ticket to heaven!

Wanna lie, cheat or steal?

JESUS 2000 says simply ask forgiveness and BAM!
sin is gone!

Wanna feel superior to others?

JESUS 2000 says that ONLY through accepting Christ will you save yourself from demons!

*enjoy secretly knowing that all your silly "GOD" loving friends are bound for eternal damnation*

and one of the best parts about JESUS 2000?
You don't even have to know how it works before you can start using it!

That's right! You simply have to listen to your JESUS 2000 instructional pasture for 1 hour a week and take all he says at face value-you don't even have to think for yourself before you can start telling other NON-SAVED people that they are wrong!

Act now and receive your very own un-buttered toast emblazened with the likeness of the Mary, mother of Jesus!
But that's not all!
We will also include STIGMATA! yes! amaze your friends and prove your faith!

(and even if you decide not to keep JESUS 2000, please keep STIGMATA as our gift to you simply for trying JESUS 2000!)

*prophecies not valid in all states, some baptisms void where prohibited, tithing not included--please see your local evangelists for details*

"And God said to Moses, 'I AM WHO I AM; and He said, thus you shall say to the sons of Israel, I AM has sent me to you... this is My eternal name, and this is how I am to be recalled for all generations'" (Exodus 3:14-15).

Hisham'ru lakhem pen yif'teh l'vav'khem v'sar'tem va'avad'tem Elohim acheirim v'hish'tachavitem lahem

Beware, lest your heart be deceivedand you turn and serve other gods and worship them.

Tampons and simple thoughts.

Charity.
An institution set up to provide help to the needy.

I consider myself a charitable person.

I donate my time to the food banks.
I talk others into giving blood.
(that’s right...OTHERS-shaddup, they can’t use my bad blood even if I COULD stomach giving it!)
I give money and food and I do random acts of charitable kindness.
I buy from all the office girls’ children when they are selling things for school.
I sponsor walks for Cancer and Runs for MS.
I save pennies for the school penny drive and I even save my yogurt lids.

But I believe charity starts at home.

It seems that 90% of the charities that contact me are in support of another nation's problem.

There’s Bangladesh Cyclone Relief,
Sudan Refugee Relief,
Pakistan Earthquake Relief,
Humanitarian Crisis in Southeast Asian,
Save Darfur Coalition,
Neglected Humanitarian Crisis in Uganda, and my favorite...
Mexico Flood Relief (Don’t we call that San Antonio?)

We have commercials asking us to donate "the cost of a cup of coffee" to feed a child in a foreign country,
ads about how an African girl can’t go to school because she needs tampons–(please give)

We have products of all kinds label "RED"-which supports AIDs in Africa,
the "White Ella Project" which is for children with AIDs in Africa.

There is an Iraq Relief Charity to help those Iraqi in need, due to the suffering caused by the war. The war OUR boys are fighting. The one that has killed thousands of our sons, husbands, brothers.
*I wonder if the Relief Fund makes enough to help support the children in America that are left without fathers? or help pay for the therapy the grieving parents need? or assist in helping take care of a husband who has no limbs.

Please don’t misunderstand, I am apathetic to the plight of all these nations and their people.

But on your way to the grocery store, the airport, the doctor’s office...look around.

We have so many people in need right here in
every
single
city
of America.

Go to the elementary school "on the wrong side of the tracks" and see the kids who live without running water or food in the fridge.

Go to the rural neighborhoods where our elderly aren’t able to take care of themselves but can’t afford nursing homes or home health care.

Go to the shelters that are full every night with families that are STILL homeless due to the tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes and floods in our own communities.

I believe in charities.

But I cannot in good conscience walk past the sick child whose parent cannot afford to get him the healthcare he needs

to drop a check in the mail,


to help supply tampons to a girl in Africa.



*please check the rating of ANY charity you support. Give responsibly.

http://www.charitywatch.org/azlist.html

Loaves and sodium benzoate, MSG and sorbitan?

It’s that time again!

My daughter’s school is having the yearly "gumbo dinner" fund raiser.

During this spicy soupy evening, we also include all the delectable desserts you could want all neatly wrapped and colorfully packaged over at the "BAKE SALE" table!

Mmmm, can’t you just taste all the homemade pies and cakes?

Brownies and cookies and fresh baked bread!

All lovingly created by the hands of the PTA moms and dads.

What a TREAT to get real fresh home baked goodness for a change.


But Lo!
What is this?

Little Debbie snack cakes?
Hostess?
A Tres Leche from the local bakery?
Oh my God...are those cookies from STARBUCKS?!?!?!

What tha???


Yes my friends, it is now forbidden to have HOMEMADE food.

"Health regulations" you know.

The powers that be have laid their mighty fists down on the Bake Sale table and demanded
store bought items only.


Now, let me get this straight....

In the school cafeteria, out kids are given/offered sodas, pizza,
cookies, chips, donuts and ice cream.

They are SUPPLIED with government cheese and meat from abused and sick cows...
...whatever surplus foodstuffs the USDA has on hand that week.

Yet, when the parents of these kids attempt to offer up food made with real,
non-precessed ingredients, they are shut down cold for "health regulation" reasons.

I am appalled at the lack of quality we give the future of our world.

We cram these children full of cheap and easy food.
We are more concerned with the money coming out than the nutrition going in.

* I think the saddest part was the answering machine message left for me explaining this new "store bought only" policy.

The PTA mom stated "well it is at least so much easier this way"

I can’t help but think--
This woman most likely spends more time getting her nails done than she does cutting vegetables.

-I can smell my mom’s sourdough bread baking in the oven on a cool afternoon.
-I can taste the cool crisp carrot slices my great grandmother kept
in a glass of ice water on the table.
-I love the fact that my daughter would have a FIT if I were ever to have a store bought
birthday cake for her on her special day.

How are we able to yak about the state of our children’ health and not do even the simplest tasks to change it?

I don’t need a bake sale, I can go to Wal-Mart.
Thanks.

Our Lost Boys...souless by our hands.

There is a big flurry of horror going out right now involving some Marines who filmed themselves-
- while one Marine flung a sweet ,innocent puppy to its most certain death off a cliff in Iraq.

I watched the video.
It was, although not “graphic” in nature, truly horrifying.

I watched this poor puppy with its cute little puppy face be killed for what appeared to be nothing more than amusement.
...and I wondered how.

How could (at least) 3 men participate in the random killing of that poor little baby dog?

Hmmm.

We send these young boys to a country where everyone hates them.

Where people are trying to kill them.

Where they do not get the chance to grow up like “normal” kids
~Going to the beach with their buddies, taking a date to the movies, sleeping in on a Saturday, watching the Superbowl.

We put them in a position like that.

We ask them, nee TRAIN them, to KILL people they do not know.

We ask them to NOT have a conscience.

We ask them to blindly obey orders to kill human beings.

We teach them that the life of anyone outside their group....is worthless.

Then we are appalled when they abuse an animal?

This Marine is now under the attack of the people he has been trained to kill FOR....

***I IN NO WAY CONDONE THE ACTIONS OF THESE MARINES***

But I CANNOT ask someone who has been condition to kill for ME,
-to kill only PEOPLE without care.

He has been taught that the life of the MAN across the sand from him,
the man with parents,
kids,
wife,
sisters,
brothers,
and friends—is expendable.

But we are shocked and outraged that he does not value the life of a dog.

My heart goes out...To that puppy yes, but also to the Marine we have conditioned to kill it.

Self Esteem in Stiletto

I was never a "shoe" girl.

Shoes were for keeping glass out of my feet.
Don’t get me wrong...shoes served a purpose and I had a few different kinds.

I had a pair of Loafers....so I could use the heel to put nails in the wall when I wanted to hang a picture.

I had a few flats...because I am a monsterous 6' tall and never felt I should be taller and you always need something to smack a bug with.

I had a pair of sneakers...I never wore them, but people look at you funny of you don’t at least own a pair, besides-I could feign athleticism.

I had "dressy" shoes, no more than ONE pair, and only in black because mom always said black goes with everything (yes, mom was a hippie who wore nothing but brown flip-flops all year round, but hey, it made sense to me)

Shoes were a FUNCTIONAL item.

They were to be worn NOT as an accessory, but as something to be UN-noticed.
*when you have size 10 feet–you want as LITTLE attention drawn to them as possible.

Then sometime in my early 30's.....something changed.

I remember fondly that first pair of heels that called to me.
A "New Year’s Eve" purchase.
They were silver, shiny, strappy and 4" high.

The night I wore them,
I heard the magical phrases that would forever change my life...and closet space.

"Oooooh! Gorgeous shoes!"
"Those shoes are SO SEXY!"
"WOW! Those shoes make your legs look GREAT!"
"Where did you get those? They are FABULOUS!"

It was better than any heroin high could be.

Over the past years I have graduated to hot pink crocodile pumps with a toe so long and pointed I could kill a spider in a street grate,
I have Bronze slingbacks that every black woman on Sunday would die for,
Flowered wedges and red patten-leather ballet flats.
Cammo pumps, blue suede and jeweled.
I have fluffy boots and sleek boots and turquoise flip flops with shells on them.
I have 9 pairs of black strappy sandals because I now know there are different COLORS of black.
I have dark brown, medium brown, reddish brown, sandy brown and toupe.

I am, to put it mildly, obsessed.

So I started pondering the whys of this obsession.
WHY do I need these flamboyant and fabulous shoes?

It’s simple.
I have never had to ask the question--


"Do these shoes make my feet look fat?"


My shoes are great on my bad hair days,
my oh-good-lord-there-is-a-zit-on-my-nose days,
my I can’t find the right top days and my "fat jeans" days.

No matter how awful IIIIIIII look, my SHOES will get complimented.

When I was diagnosed with Cancer, I had to worry about my hair falling out, my skin looking like crap, the bloating, the scars and the sagging muscles.

But damn my shoes were GREAT.

No sir, I didn’t have to worry about them.
They remained exciting and cheerful through it all.

So next time you find that pair of polka dotted peep toes that are calling you.

Think to yourself..,this isn’t splurging--
it’s therapy.

It is not a black hole in the universe...it's voicemail.

If you work in an office, you most likely have a voicemail system.
What is the purpose of voicemail?

THAT’S RIGHT... it is to TAKE MESSAGES.

And whyyyyyyyyy do we use voicemail to take messages?
Yes! Correct again!
So we do not have to run all over the office with a message which may be written down wrong, interpreted incorrectly or worse, completely misplaced and/or forgotten.

Why is this concept so difficult?
What is the fear of voicemail?

Are there voicemail systems in other offices that shock the message leaver?
Have people been burned, beaten or otherwise abused by voicemail?

When our receptionist goes to lunch or all the lines are ringing, we give her a hand by grabbing the phones.

Nine times out of ten, it sounds like this:

Me: "Good Afternoon, Blah Blah & Blah Blah"
Client: "Uh, I was in there and spoke to a girl and I she wanted some papers from me.."

Me: "Yes sir"
Client: "I have some papers with some numbers on them.."

Me: "Yes sir"
Client: "I’m not sure if they are the right numbers"

Me: "Sir, who did you speak to?"
Client: "I don’t know"

Me: "Sir, who is your attorney"
Client: "I don’t know, um... (this is where the client tosses out the name of the FIRM like it is a person)"

Me: "Okay sir, Mr. Blah is at lunch, I can put you to his voicemail and he will return your call as soon as he gets back"
Client: "Well, my number is 555-066..."

Me: "Sir, can I just put you through to voicemail?"
Client: "Can you just tell him Mr. Johnson called and that I have the paper work, but the title on the paperwork is har..."

Me: "Sir, if you will simply leave your message on Mr. Blah’s voicemail, he will return your call when he gets back from lunch."
Client: "Can you just give him the message? I have the numbers from the gr..."

*I am polite yet firm.
(which is a feat considering)

Me: "I will not likely see him when he gets back."
Client: "Um, okay, voicemail then"


I have just killed 7 minutes trying to get a man to go to voicemail.


~You don’t know who you talked to;
~ you don’t know the name of your own attorney and;
~you are unsure of what you want to get across.

NOW you want to perpetuate this circus act by asking me to scribble your ramblings on some yellow sticky note and have me run from my office to this other office where YOU ALREADY KNOW THERE IS NOBODY TO GIVE THE MESSAGE TO, and hope that it is found upon their return or I can call Mr. Blah myself and leave him the voicemail you were so reluctant to do yourself.

That is how it works.

I am in an office...unless I remember to bring my super-dee-duper x-ray vision goggles to work, I will not know who comes and goes from their offices.

If you are one of the people wracked with fear when facing the terrifying ordeal of voicemail...please just hang up and call back AFTER LUNCH.

*which reminds me...when you ask for ONE person at 12:15pm, and are told they are at lunch, you can damn skippy be fairly certain that the OTHER 6 people you ask for are ALSO at lunch.

so what I'm sayin' is...

please

just go to voicemail.

How we were DUPED by Sister Suffragette!

WOMEN's RIGHTS

WTF were women thinking?

We had it pretty damned good.
We got up,
had a nice breakfast with our families,
spent an hour or so cleaning,
did our hair and make up,
maybe some gardening,
met our friends for lunch or got together in the kitchen for coffee.

We exercised,
bought a new dress perhaps,
and were home to meet the kids after school where we helped them with their homework or had them practice the trombone or cartwheels.

We freshened up a bit before our hubbies came home so they didn't have to go elsewhere to look at a pretty lady, and they appreciated that enough to bring us flowers for the kitchen that they picked up on the way home.

We had the kids set the table while we finished making a delicious meal (including pie) and they helped with the dishes after.

Then we all sat around on the porch or played games in the living room, we went to bed with enough energy left to fool around.


But noooooooooooooooo, we wanted to VOTE.


We wanted to be self sufficient.


Well screw that.

I don't know about you, but I barely have time to take a 3 minute shower because I am rushin' off to work.

I stick my hair in a ponytail, and cooking a meal consists of pulling some stew like concoction out of the freezer and tossing premade rolls in the oven as I open a can of green beans most days.

My man sees me in pajama pants more than anything else and my dishes sit in the sink all night sometimes and I don't think the vaccuum has been put away in days~it just SITS there in the den, reminding me that I am too damned busy to use it.

If your man cheats.. can ya BLAME him?

He sees single women who have all the time in the world to be pretty, get their nails done, fix their hair, keep a perfect house.

*Try finding the money or the time to do those things when you are raising a kid(s), trying to clean your house and working a 50 hour a week job.

THOSE women are not real guys..
...they are US before we had you and kids.

~and they will BE us once it happens to them~

swear.

Men used to open doors,
buy flowers (really, when was the last time you got flowers before a date???)
and treat you like you were special.

Well, since they found out they could divorce us because we "can support ourselves", they trade us in on newer models and we are left trying to raise children in the few hours we have left when we get home after work....WHICH is the root of the problem.

No men home to show boys how to treat a women.

If DAD doesn't respect you, why should they.right?
of course right, so damnit. I'm back full circle.

It's women's fault because we wanted to VOTE.

and what did we get in exchange?


BUSH.
crap.

Physician, heal thyself (or at least put new rims on the Beemer)

I'm sure we are all aware of the big issue, no pun intended, concerning obesity.

Are you aware of the new craze involving women going to "doctors"
(yes that was in quotes and you would see me making that gesture were we speaking in person)
for "lipo-B" shots?

Uh huh.
this is the part where we say... HAHAHAHAHAHA.

So these women sit in an office once a WEEK, pay out anywhere from $25-$50 in CASH to get a shot in the hip of.........

(drumroll please)

vitamins and amino acids.


I take vitamins and amno acids too.
I buy a 60 day supply at WalMart for $6.

Here is a quote I pulled from a website touting the virtues of this wonder weight loss product.
"These injections are set up to be used in conjunction with a diet and exercise program."

DIET & EXERCISE???
are ya SURE?

genius.
There is no other word.
These NON-doctors have figured out a way to make a NON-TAXABLE income from a product you can give YOURSELF that you probably are not even really deficient of.

PLUS, they get the added bonus of selling you Phentermine (half of phen-fen which was pulled off the market in 1997 for KILLING people)

~and no, they are not certain of the effects of phentermine, but it is for OBESITY, not the trophy wife lookin to drop a little Mocha Latte weight.

Let's re-cap.

You can PAY up to $200 per month AND waste an average of 1.5 hours a week
(yes HUH you would, drive time & wait time)
PLUS!
~act now and you can also pay for a "doctor" visit at a minimum of $50, another HOUR per week and a PRESCRIPTION for Phentermine/Adipex (the generic phentermine)!

YAY!

.................................all without seeing an ACTUAL M.D.
(these services are most commonly offer by chiropractors and nurse practitioners and are NOT covered by insurance)


This all seems reasonable.

Oh wait,

NO

IT

DOESN'T!

Geez people, it isn't brain surgery.
Take a walk.
Eat a Salad.
Play a sport
Stop drinking sodas
Mow your own grass
Play with your kids/dog
Join a gym (don't tell me you can't afford it. one month is the same as ONE Lipo-B shot)


you do not need magic beans.

say it with me.

"I do not need magic beans"
"I do not need magic beans"
"I do not need magic beans"

~now get off the computer
~take a multi-vitamin
~keep your money in your pocket and use your time more wisely.

cell phones of mass destruction

Cell phones are the downfall of our relationships?

One of my friends just commented that he broke up with his "this is the one" girlfriend because she was "too jealous"

know what she was doing?
guess?

She had answered his cell phone and checked it, etc.

*gasp*

I know most if not ALL of you are thinking to yourselves...SHE HAD NO RIGHT! THAT IS AN INVASION OF HIS PRIVACY!

really?
REALLY?

I mean, come on... they are in a relationship.
Should they even HAVE private calls/texts if that's true?

Should it be considered "snooping" to "check your significant other's phone"?

I say no.
Let's examine this.

10 years ago nobody even HAD the damned things right.
We had what?
HOUSE PHONES (and answering machines).

Can you imagine telling your spouse/significant other they can't answer the HOUSE PHONE?Would you even HAVE seperate house phones?
um, no.

Shouldn't CELL phones only be an extension of the HOUSE phone if you are in a relationship?

Would you think your spouse/steady was out of bounds by answering your house phone?
or talking to anyone who called it?


When did we become this sneaky society of MY private phone and YOUR private phone?

Hell, the Brady's only had one damned phone and it was in the Kitchen where the most privacy you could get was to stand in the den with nothing but a bi-fold door between you and Alice.

*yes I know they had on in the living room and later in the master bedroom, but shaddup I am making a point here.

SO, when did we become this group of"I'll share my bed/life/family with you, but you are crossing the line if you think you have a right to my PHONE!"

comments?
am I alone in thinking we, as a society, need to BE more trustworthy if we expect to be able to trust others.

Stairs-the wooden playthings of the DEVIL.

Working in a Plaintiff's firm you see a LOT of idiots.
You see a LOT of greed.
You see a LOT of NEGLIGENCE.

Now, while observing this negligence day after day, I have noted one common denominator.

People.

Yet, the law holds very little liability on the average idiot.

Let's look at a few examples shall we?

LAWN DARTS- a fine product. No worse than Horseshoes.

(Let's face it, if you chuck a HORSESHOE at a small child, you WILL injure them. BUT! Parents apparently allowed young children to do just that with a 12 inch DART. Brilliant)

LEGGOS- there are entire TOWNS devoted to this timeless toy.
Hours of creative play and imagination, the ability to learn physics without even realizing...and it all came in a compact and easily stored package. Heck, they didn't even hurt the vacuum much if ya sucked one up!

(But little Billy shoved one in his mouth and choked because his parents were not properly supervising a TODDLER and the world screamed for vengeance against this evil!)

BABY WALKERS- we ALLL used them, like our parents before us and every other parent of a pre-walker who wanted enough freedom to wash a dish, cook a meal or pay a bill without a child on one hip 24/7. The rolling baby walker gave our babies a sense of freedom and confidence, they were able to learn and explore.

(Alas, little Sally tippy-toed herself right down the stairs in one. OH THE HUMANITY! Why oh why was there not a "DO NOT USE WHEELED BABY WALKER ON STAIRS" sticker on this UNSAFE product? How are PARENTS supposed to know when to monitor their children?!?!?!)

CROCS- yeah, the SHOES...
which were created as footwear for boating and have been dubbed by the College of Podiatric Medicine as "fabulous footwear for kids due to their anti-microbial properties and arch support". They are colorful, waterproof and kids LOVE em!

(CNN reported them as posing a dangerous threat to children because the Worldwide media has reported Croc wearing kids getting their toes caught in escalators. You know...if we wore shoes with LACES, this NEVER WOULDA HAPPE.............er, wait. Damnit, Bring my sneakers to the shoe burning too!)

BALLOONS- I kid you not. Balloons are on the endangered toy list. Darnnitall kids can CHOKE on them. Well duh. So can cats but I don't see PETA asking for balloon removal.

WATERBOMB BALLS-THIS IS MY FAVORITE!
It has been recalled BECAUSE it is labeled with a Choking Hazard Warning...but it does not have any small parts and therefore they want it recalled.

WHY you ask?–I QUOTE "over-labeling dilutes the effectiveness of the warning"

well HOOEY to them.. My kid has a big ol' mouth and just might choke on a 3.5" diameter ball!

And I will sue them if she does! So THERE!

Which leads me to STAIRS..
The root of all evil, the most horrific of diabolical schemes.

Who among us has not fallen down (or in my case, I have the delicate balance to be able to fall UP) stairs?

Who has not tripped and twisted an ankle, stubbed a toe, or been humiliated in public by the "crap-I-thought-there-was-another-stair-there" stiff legged stumble?

Who hasn't dropped something valuable through the bleachers (heck yeah, they are stairs too!) at a ball game?

Who hasn't gotten a splinter from a bad railing?

Or gum stuck to your shoe from taking those nasty cement stairs beside the elevators?

Who hasn't slid down stairs on a blanket only to ram into the wall at the bottom?

What girl hasn't had the utter mortification of trying to come down the stairs and be presented to your family/boyfriend/groom only to have your feet whipped out from under you, skirt around your waist, torn hose, broken heel.

And WHO has not suffered the intense rug burns from errrrrrr, well, you know.

I say Stairs are bad.



Down with Stairs.

Please join me in a rally for the swift and permanent removal of this plague on society.

***All donations will go to R.A.M.P.S......Ridiculous Associations to Make People Safe.

a Golden Compass and a Swift Kick in the Teeth

So it has recently been brought to my attention--via several chain emails and Myspace bulletins,that we are to SHUN this movie "Golden Compass" due to the fact that in the book, the children are "out to kill God".

uh huh... tell me more.

The book further goes into the fact that SHOULD these children kill God, it woud create chaos.

Hmmm, well THAT seems like a lesson worth learning, no?

But I digress, it is the idiot religious sect that has me gnashing my horrible teeth and rolling my horrible eyes (sorry, threw in a "wild things" reference just for fun).

People, IT IS A BOOOOOOOOOOOK.

Hey, remember this one.. "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE".

yeah, a book about eating people, yet that must be something the world religions are not concerned with as I heard no protest on that one.

What about almost every Shakespeare anything which includes a range from murder to incest....anyone? anyone? beuller?

Then there is, of course, the book which speaks of the killing of Christ, nay, the TORTUROUS killing of Christ.


I think it is called the BIBLE?

Good gravy people, it is a BOOK, not a mind control device.

Wait, what am I SAYING???

Even if it WERE written as the "stereo manual" of murder and somehow chanted on a nightly basis to an unsuspecting socially inept bible thumping nerdlet while he slept in his plastic sheet covered twin bed...

IS there a fear that he is going to find GOD and put a cap in his holy ass?

Oh, Christ on Cracker.

I'm moving to Tibet to live with the monks.